Diversion

It certainly has been quite a long time since my last post! Hmm.. there's just been way too much happening, all thoughts of posting whatever food i've consumed has certainly taken a backseat. Those closest to me know what I'm talking about. My life (fortunately) has been revolving around a particular person lah. But as I am slowly beginning to realise, that can't be all my life is about.

I guess human beings are made such. They need love, they need attention, they need to know that someone cares and they in turn also need to care. Some sort of nurturing instinct I guess. I love caring for a person. And I realise that I will go that extra mile if that person is (more or less) the one. The one huh? Yup. Such strong words. But what to do? Feelings also strong lah. LoL!

But what brings you together can also be the thing that tears it apart. The initial attraction was so intense that, I must admit, I got rather carried away. Time spent with friends were drastically reduced. I lost touch with some, pissed off some, made up with a few, but overall the ones that were really important to me (and me to them) understood. Got the usual ribbing but all in good nature lah lol. Bless you guys.

Baby, (you know who you are) we've gone through so much in this 3 (official) months. How it began, how it progressed, all the tears and drama, screaming and shouting, the proclamations of doom for many parties... honestly, I sometimes wonder how we managed to make it this far. Not to mention the one breakup halfway through. Definitely a dark period in my life. Gosh... how much more drama can this get? LOL!

Love - its sweet - being with you is sweet. Makes me happy. Seriously. Underneath all the issues that we are facing, all the trials and tribulations we have to endure, there must be something kan that is keeping us together? I believe... no, i know it's love. And even though we acknowledged that sometimes love is not enough, but we also acknowledged that it is a great foundation on which a relationship is built. And we have it. Why are we not celebrating it?

A culmination of too many questions, accusations, wrongdoings... it certainly has taken a toll on both of us. And what we share. And what we can have.

I wrote a little something two nights ago. Wanna take a gander at it? Forgive the sappy title though.

R&B

Voices… those voices
They won’t keep still
Taunt me with their words
And I move against my will…
I…I refuse to listen but
They seem to have taken over
And I’m not drawing you closer…

You don’t love me like I love you
You don’t miss me the way I’m missing you
I guess I’m ok with it, that I can’t fight
You need that time alone
You say it’ll make things right…

If only you can feel what I feel when I’m holding your hand
Or see what my eyes see when I look at you
The love I have for you you’ll never understand
But I know you’re trying very hard to…

Walk away, breathe… smoke a cigarette
Run away, scream… then imagination takes flight
What you say, what you do
What you choose to tell me and what you choose not to
Truth be told I am torn
But its our love that keeps me going on
It keeps me strong…

But… what is it that you’ve been feeling all along?

It secretly hurts to have to hear you say what you did before. But really, I am getting fed up with feeling this 'sakit hatiness'. I mean, you know your limitations. You have expressed that limitations. But you have also expressed your desire to try and make things better. Through all the hesitations and uncertainty, you refused to throw in the towel the last couple of times.
Gives me hope.

I have to begin understanding the person you are. And I have to stop placing my expectations of who you are on you, and judging based on that, and begin to accept you for who you are and your actions as well.

I know my approach to things were not the best also lah kan. Admittedly, there were demons I had to battle which did not help things at all. BUt you know what? I am fed up with talking about what is wrong. We both know what is wrong. And we both know what we have to do.

Guess what? I really do think we are doing it!

There is a lightness in my heart that I haven't felt for the longest time. There is a certain amount of ease between us that is slowly replacing all the fear, distrust, anger and doubt. I feel more comfortable around you, I don't second guess so much. And yes, that means we are less likely to be heading into another heated argument.

I like you. I love you. You like me, you love me. Maybe not in equal measures but thats the norm in most relationships. Only that it has been verbalised in ours. A lot of things have to be verbalised in ours unfortunately. I am trying not to fly into rage, you have stopped hiding and are so much more patient.

And you have begun smiling and laughing more now. That I love the most.

Baby baby baby... what a long 3 months. We still have a long way to go. But I honestly think it will be slightly easier from now.

Higgledy-piggledy.

It's heartbreaking, knowing that you're left all alone at home as all your friends are out having fun without you. I think friends shouldn't make you feel shitty. Mom always say that I always prioritize my friends. Maybe that is the reason why. I don't know. I think I need an aura cleansing. I just need to know if what I'm doing or facing through is good for me. Everything around me, are they good for me?

It is also heartbreaking that the one person who wants to be with me (I think, hehe) and likewise, is so far away. So far away that it feels impossible to be with. The one person who says "That's why I'm here." And yet so far away. The one person who wants to crawl in bed with me to watch a movie *blush*. And yet so far away. :

It is heartbreaking, when family members are diagnosed with any sort of sickness. Dad is sick. He has been visiting the hospital for several days to shoot up some blood pines. Granny is in the hospital. She started to "meracau". I think kitty has cancer.

Thus, in no particular order, that is the update of my life. Which is causing me to mourn.

One funny part is that, my work, after the last week, my sacrifice finally paid off. I actually felt great seeing my event all appearing in newspapers and television. And I felt relieved! Guess, to feel good about something, you got to sacrifice in being sad about something else. :

retaliation - part 1

If my suspicions are true.... FUCK YOU!

Unfortunate.

un·for·tu·nate [uhn-fawr-chuh-nit] adj.
1. suffering from bad luck: an unfortunate person.
2. unfavorable or inauspicious: an unfortunate beginning.
3. regrettable or deplorable: an unfortunate remark.
4. marked by or inviting misfortune: an unfortunate development.
5. lamentable; sad: the unfortunate death of her parents. –noun
6. an unfortunate person.
--
un·for·tu·nate·ly, adv.
un·for·tu·nate·ness, n.

I think, I am the epitome of unfortunate. If you open up a dictionary, my picture should be there. LOL. (So emo! LOL!) I just browsed through an acquaintance's wedding pictures. And I saw how grand and lovely it was, and how loveable the both of them together. And it pisses me off. Or, I realize my unfortunate-ity. Cause, of course, one can achieve and get a great life, if one was being born into a fortunate settings. Eg., if you were born in a rich family, you will be well educated, you will be dressed finely, thus, you will achieve and have a great life, in the meaning of that you will fine a partner that is educated, that dresses beautifully, etc. And, even if you're ugly, fat or whatever for that matter, you are rich, you can use that money to repair anything that you like, althought it is unlikely for me to do it. LOL. But imagine, being born in a family of 15, and living a fisherman's life. You can't be educated, you can't dress well, etc. Not sure how am I to say this, should we realize our levels?

Banished

Not quite an angel who fell from heaven
Landing in a pit of nothing
Leave me now before I pull you to the ground
Let’s pretend it can never be

I can’t say no to my desire
Though it puts me through hell
I chose evil over you whom I love
Do I even know what love means?

I’ve fallen, fallen once again
I want to reach out to you to pick me up
But I can’t look at you in shame
How can I expect for you to be there?
When its me who really doesn’t care?
You had it all once until I came along
You can still turn back now its not too far gone…

I don’t know, just how things will be
When there’s you and me almost in perfect symmetry
With one wrong move the world came crushing down
I’ve clipped my wings and now can only watch you from the ground

Maybe one day, we can begin again
Maybe one day, we can be so much more than friends
Maybe one day, when I can banish this weakness in me
Maybe one day, when I am past this mystery
Of what is, and what isn’t
What means something and the others forgotten
To keep on grasping for something so undefined
To have the courage
To step up and draw the line…

My Paroxysmic Hormones.

par·ox·ysm [par-uhk-siz-uhm] n.
1. any sudden, violent outburst; a fit of violent action or emotion: paroxysms of rage.
2. Pathology. a severe attack or a sudden increase in intensity of a disease, usually recurring periodically.
--
par·ox·ys·mal, par·ox·ys·mic, adj.
par·ox·ys·mal·ly, adv.

Well, I'm not quite sure if I'm fortunate or really unlucky, but this paroxysm has been going on for weeks. And, it is driving me nuts. Everywhere I turn, there is an attraction. And it is depressing.

Mother once said, "I noticed, that you will never be satisfied with anything." I have come to realize that it has 2 sides to it. As a somewhat normal human being, I will thrive and never stop thriving for more. But in the negative department, I will never be thankful, for what I have.

I have a job, in another 2 months, hopefully *crosses fingers* I will get confirmed. Hence, me being settled. And after discussing it with my Mom, she said, once I'm there, I can execute my plan, living by myself.

I have a family. I have friends. But yet, I am not satisfied. I don't have a love life, and it should be good, because then there's no love problems. And yet, I am still not satisfied. Haha.

I'm bored at the office, so just bare with me.

R Sector!

Find me a heart that beats to the same rhythm
And a mind that can outwit a T9
If you can't then I'll just have you
For you get me all the time

Give me a reason not to ask
I need to know where this will lead
For when you're not around me
I falter... I grow weak...

Be the balm that soothes my burning questions
Utter those words that I want to hear
Leave no scar when I come to you defenceless
Offer me no lies nor deceit

Walk a mile in my shoes
Then ask the questions you've asked before
Forget the blinding emotions I feel for you
You might feel like a rag sweeping the floor

(But that is how much I adore you)
(To keep on coming back for more)

This is me pining at home
This is what you've done
I chose to be in this position
To be on call, to you I run

Time and time again
You know the words to soothe the pain
When you call... I run... I run...