Diversion

It certainly has been quite a long time since my last post! Hmm.. there's just been way too much happening, all thoughts of posting whatever food i've consumed has certainly taken a backseat. Those closest to me know what I'm talking about. My life (fortunately) has been revolving around a particular person lah. But as I am slowly beginning to realise, that can't be all my life is about.

I guess human beings are made such. They need love, they need attention, they need to know that someone cares and they in turn also need to care. Some sort of nurturing instinct I guess. I love caring for a person. And I realise that I will go that extra mile if that person is (more or less) the one. The one huh? Yup. Such strong words. But what to do? Feelings also strong lah. LoL!

But what brings you together can also be the thing that tears it apart. The initial attraction was so intense that, I must admit, I got rather carried away. Time spent with friends were drastically reduced. I lost touch with some, pissed off some, made up with a few, but overall the ones that were really important to me (and me to them) understood. Got the usual ribbing but all in good nature lah lol. Bless you guys.

Baby, (you know who you are) we've gone through so much in this 3 (official) months. How it began, how it progressed, all the tears and drama, screaming and shouting, the proclamations of doom for many parties... honestly, I sometimes wonder how we managed to make it this far. Not to mention the one breakup halfway through. Definitely a dark period in my life. Gosh... how much more drama can this get? LOL!

Love - its sweet - being with you is sweet. Makes me happy. Seriously. Underneath all the issues that we are facing, all the trials and tribulations we have to endure, there must be something kan that is keeping us together? I believe... no, i know it's love. And even though we acknowledged that sometimes love is not enough, but we also acknowledged that it is a great foundation on which a relationship is built. And we have it. Why are we not celebrating it?

A culmination of too many questions, accusations, wrongdoings... it certainly has taken a toll on both of us. And what we share. And what we can have.

I wrote a little something two nights ago. Wanna take a gander at it? Forgive the sappy title though.

R&B

Voices… those voices
They won’t keep still
Taunt me with their words
And I move against my will…
I…I refuse to listen but
They seem to have taken over
And I’m not drawing you closer…

You don’t love me like I love you
You don’t miss me the way I’m missing you
I guess I’m ok with it, that I can’t fight
You need that time alone
You say it’ll make things right…

If only you can feel what I feel when I’m holding your hand
Or see what my eyes see when I look at you
The love I have for you you’ll never understand
But I know you’re trying very hard to…

Walk away, breathe… smoke a cigarette
Run away, scream… then imagination takes flight
What you say, what you do
What you choose to tell me and what you choose not to
Truth be told I am torn
But its our love that keeps me going on
It keeps me strong…

But… what is it that you’ve been feeling all along?

It secretly hurts to have to hear you say what you did before. But really, I am getting fed up with feeling this 'sakit hatiness'. I mean, you know your limitations. You have expressed that limitations. But you have also expressed your desire to try and make things better. Through all the hesitations and uncertainty, you refused to throw in the towel the last couple of times.
Gives me hope.

I have to begin understanding the person you are. And I have to stop placing my expectations of who you are on you, and judging based on that, and begin to accept you for who you are and your actions as well.

I know my approach to things were not the best also lah kan. Admittedly, there were demons I had to battle which did not help things at all. BUt you know what? I am fed up with talking about what is wrong. We both know what is wrong. And we both know what we have to do.

Guess what? I really do think we are doing it!

There is a lightness in my heart that I haven't felt for the longest time. There is a certain amount of ease between us that is slowly replacing all the fear, distrust, anger and doubt. I feel more comfortable around you, I don't second guess so much. And yes, that means we are less likely to be heading into another heated argument.

I like you. I love you. You like me, you love me. Maybe not in equal measures but thats the norm in most relationships. Only that it has been verbalised in ours. A lot of things have to be verbalised in ours unfortunately. I am trying not to fly into rage, you have stopped hiding and are so much more patient.

And you have begun smiling and laughing more now. That I love the most.

Baby baby baby... what a long 3 months. We still have a long way to go. But I honestly think it will be slightly easier from now.